Right now I am listening to a Kitchen Witch rap about her experiences with energy and teach her work with the pelvic bowl. It's lovely. Except. I am no Kitchen Witch.
Kitchen Witches, for me, have always carried the traditional "Mother" energy. They are the center of the hearth, the home, the village. People enjoy their energy and find them super supportive and feel cuddled in their loving vibes. They are the magickal embodiment of much of the acceptable Feminine - the loving, understanding, holding, soft, receptive energy. These energies and the people who live through them are beautiful and necessary.
But I am no Kitchen Witch.
In response to the rejection by some and the well meaning attempts to tame my natural energy by others, I have done my best to cultivate those traits. I taught myself to take people's shit instead of demand they change. I wasn't understanding enough. And that was bad. And I was not given a healthier option.
I taught myself to take soft stances and deffer to others. My own inner knowing that so often came from places illogical or that stood in contrast to the accepted wisdom of the proverbial village could not possibly be valid. Trusting other people's knowledge as authority must then be the "right" option.
As someone who exists in a female body and who identifies with Feminine energy, I struggled for a long time with shame and self deprecation because I do not naturally exude the energy that is expected of me. I am accepting, but I am not understanding nor am I always tolerant. I hold space, but that space is not super cuddly. I am helpful, but I expect you to take responsibility for your Self. I am receptive, but I need to transform what I receive and send it back out into the world.
As I have grown in myself and allowed myself to see my Self more clearly, I have given me permission to let that be good. What's more, I've given me permission to let that be what is, no judgement value. I have come to realize that the popular vision of Feminine is a general one - limited when applied to individuals. And when applied to me, sanitized.
Soft does not mean easy. Moving with flow does not mean meeting no resistance. Meeting people where they are does not mean letting them believe it is okay to stay there.
So I am not a Kitchen Witch.
I am the Crone who lives in the woods.
I am the "Evil" Witch people only visit when they are desperate.
I am the Destructive Goddess who will push you to your best self and demand you make the changes you say you want.
I am the Disruptive Force that necessitates transmutation.
I am the Deep Dark that exists to rip apart your current identity and show you your true state of Being.
How I birth (a word I never thought I would ever apply to myself) this reclaimed concept of me into the world to offer my highest service remains to be seen. I know it is going to require a lot of change in nearly every area of the life I have built so far.
For now though, it is enough to finally be completely grounded in who I am and enjoying the fuck out of it.
(Thanks be to the Goddess Hekate who has guided me through through my confusion, claimed me as her own, and continues to walk with me and teach me no matter how obstinate I can be. And thank you to the amazing Megan Dupree who has been a beautiful model of moving in this way as a human before I even realized that's what I was witnessing.)