Updated: Jul 9, 2021
“I’ve read a lot of your posts and they really are phenomenal. How did you get into trauma therapy?”
This message from my (first) perpetrator. The one involved in my Lifequake.
And it’s absolute, pure hilarity!
Out loud laughter was my response
Joy at the strange ironies in life
Shakes-head-face-palm-what-in-the-fuck? chuckle at the multi-level entertainment
(By the by, it is really difficult to capture your own laughter in a selfie 😂)
It is beyond amazing to feel this free.
You see, this was a person who inspired full-on panic attacks when I had to ride a train going through Temple based on the 0.0000002% chance that he would board.
This was a person to whom I attributed so much mayhem and pain and isolation that I blocked him on every communication platform to the highest security possible in an effort to save myself from his existence.
This was a person who I believed in my every particle had manipulated me, used me, ruined me, broken me and made my soul so dirty that he stole my only chance at ever being loved.
(Dude, even remembering all of that is making me laugh 😂)
I fixated so hard on the why. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he respect me? Why did he treat me like I was nothing? Never was there a satisfying answer.
And you bet your ass I tried to get one. We had multiple conversations (which he clearly either doesn’t remember or isn’t connecting to the present 🤷♀️) in which I asked, and explained, and waited for an answer that made sense. An answer that matched the enormity of what I felt he had done to me. An answer that would make it better.
Never happened. (And it won’t for you either.)
But then again, it doesn’t matter.
Lifequakes have no inherent bigness.
Despite how much they suck at the time. Despite how consuming they feel. Despite all of the pain of being stuck reliving it.
Despite how false that statement seems. Despite how many times you have been told it is false. Despite how much you Think you Want it to be false...
I get it. I do. I spent 7 years struggling. Between therapy, bodywork, PT, medication, books, and all of the other tools and techniques I Freinkenstiened together, “fixing myself” was my life. Sometimes it even seemed to be working. Until I would slide back. Repeat the same pattern. Feel even shittier than I did when my trauma symptoms first manifested, triggered more and more.
And then I made the shift. I jumped paradigms. I could see the Lifequake for what it was: immaterial.
It took me 2 months to evaporate my trauma.
My therapist could not believe what she was seeing - really, the look on her face as she tried to hide her initial skepticism turning stunned was great. Over the years she had seen me on “good” days. This was totally different. I was totally different.
I was me.
So no, it doesn’t matter what it is. Doesn’t matter if it’s rape. Doesn’t matter if it’s war. Doesn’t matter if you were 8 or 80. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been dealing with it for 10 months or 10 years.
You can make it not matter.
Your Lifequake is not the point of your life.
The people involved are not the point of your life.
None of that is the point of you.
You can be confronted by your biggest trigger and laugh your ass off, feeling nothing beyond the amusement of remembering what it used to be like.
How soon do you want to make that happen?