Sex dreams about your abuser/rapist/assailant: common.
Also common: enjoying it.
When these dreams occurred accompanied by these feelings, be honest, how big was your freak out? How fast did you spin into all the anxieties of
"Why did I dream that?"
"What does that mean?"
"Did I actually want the attack?"
"What is Wrong with me????"
If you're feeling bold, throw your number (1 *shrug, that was weird* to 10 *massive panic, hyperventilating, I need an intervention*) in the comments.
You then either
A) Bundled up in shame and confusion and never spoke of it to anyone, trying to shove the memory of the dream down into the dark place you've tried to shove the memory of your assault;
B) Asked the most "supportive" person you could find who told you something along the lines of it just being your brain trying to make sense of the experience.
So what actually is this phenomenon? (Other than your obviously sadistic brain trying to torture you *cough cough sarcasm*)
It is not a catharsis. It is a Revelation.
It is your bodymind showing you the truth of the existential desires and designs of your Larger/God/Monster Self.
Every choice you made led up to that lifequake. And in that there is bliss, enjoyment, ecstasy, arousal. It is not in the act of attack, but in the act of owning. And of knowing that no matter what happens,
It is not the act that matters.
It is not even what we do with it after or how we cope, ignore, accept, dwell, drown or shift. What matters is the choice. That we choose. And that we own that choice, knowing, experiencing, that the “worst thing” took nothing from you.
In fact, experiencing pleasure in relation to these dreams signals that you are further toward recognizing your own wholeness than when those dreams were full on nightmares - a subconscious repetition and reinforcement of the conditioned survival response.
So no, you’re not damaged. There’s nothing wrong with you. It doesn’t invalidate your experience. It is a sign of healing.
Now the question becomes, why do you want to fight that?